
\ he lAaTrlea Tcik^ 
a farcer. 




--*&£%& 




Oass_£J8. J 53. 



.SaJvu 










shci's Edition of Standard Farces. 



";MoA»;I E&v^RoAM. 



En <Dnr 3. 
'B Y 'C H AR L^S /V SE LB Y, ' ESI 



:d from the 



MBXwrrS costume, cast oe char. 



ft 



T/Lfc? &T.1GJS JiCSIJVF 

■ . _■■ ._•" V. NOW i EIUTtiUIEL) IN *'. 

THE "' TON C I PAL 



W 
9 I 






... , PHILADELPHIA; 

^ *$}■. TUHjVER S,- ' Fl'siIElt, 11 jVURTH <sltfH STREET. 

. " " 52 CHATHAM ST., NEW-YORK. 

' ^AA/vVvVvVVVV v vv v v vv v v v vvvv ■_■ v •.. ,- 







J \ s^ 






COSTUME. 



MR. FLIGHTY.— Light green frock, faced with black 
velvet, black trousers, straw-colored waistcoat, black satin 
stock, whiskers and mustachios. 

JOHN. — Handsome livery. 

MRS. FLIGHTY.— Fashionable white silk, or mom- 
ing dress. 

MRS. TRICTRAC. — Pink satin pellisse, hat and 
feathers. Second dress : — Blue undress military frock, 
metal buttons, blue trowsers, with broad gold lace down 
the sides, scarlet and gold cartouch box, belt, and foraging 
cap, boots, and long brass spurs. Third dress : — Same as 
the first. 

SUSAN TWIST.— Flowered muslin gown, French 
shawl, very small fashioned bonnet. Second dress : — Cap 
and silk apron. Third dress : — Silk cloak, trimmed with 
ermine, hat and veil. 



STAGE REMARKS j 
R. means Right ; L. Left; C. Centre ; R. C. Right of 
e ; L. C. Left of Centre ; D. F. Door in Flat ; R. D. 
Right Door; L.D. Left Door; S. E. Second Entrance; 
U. E. Upper Entrance; C. D. Centre Door. 

* * The Reader is supposed to Icon the Stage, facing 
the Audience. 





15 




a 

o 


Oh 


a 




a o 






W 




13 


o 

GD 




8 e 

ra © 




a 


* 


^g 


o 


s 




K> 




o 
& 


fc 




02 


SO 




Sh S- 








































o 
















o 












tz 


£ 

a 


■-a 

3 




fn 




. 




J3> 

I 






13 


,a 








S\ 


o 
PS 


03 


3 
1-5 


«i 




<5H 


£ 

& 


& 


< 


si C 


02 


02 






o 












m 






c 


• 








£ 






a> 


a 
a 






■T.J 


W 




J 


. a 


eti 






iS e3 


Ph 

as 


© 

o 

si 


3 

5 

o 




T3 
O 

02 


is 

o5 




O T3 

-° a 
•/:■ .a 

w 02 


H 
<< 






41 


§ 


g 




§g 


S 
















<< 






1 ■ ' 


CO 

3 . 
8 ' 




8 
(3 


8 *»-? 
CI -i 

* i 








'fS 


- 


"•£ 




^ .V 








SJ 1 ' 


gp. 


8 ■ 

1 . 


> 


J» ft 
%> 1 ^> 








8 

ft! ' 

£ i > 

3 . 


o 
p* 

*>> 
« 


teasing, tor 
widow. - 

ERT FlTZHE 


regular kit 
ry Officer. 
ccompHshed 








111 


8 
ft- . 


8 fcr 

3 S. 




« E s 

iTiJ 8 8 








Freder 
rf Genii 




g 5M 

b tat 

3-2 




g 8 | 
8 g T. 








. .2 ^ 
ci £ a 


i ti'i 


as 


ft -S < 








£ 1 


s 


§ 





QD 



THE MARRIED RAKE. 



SCENE. — A Drawing; Room, handsomely furnished, 
with Carpet, Sfc.Folding Doors in c. a door s. e. a fire-place 
T. E. r. — a Window s. E. l. a Sofa l. — near it a small Table, 
with Writing Materials, Books, Sfc. and on the r. another 
Table with a handsome Cover. 

Mrs. Flighty discovered, seated on the Sofa, with Susan 
Twist attending. 

Mrs. Flighty. First go to the library and change the 
books. 

Susan. Yes ma'am. 

Mrs. Flighty. Then call at my milliner's 

Susan. Yes ma'am. 

Mrs. Flighty. Tell her my hat must be sent home this 
evening. 

Susan. Yes ma'am. 

Mrs. Flighty. Then go to Mr. Brown, the shoe maker. 

Susan. Yes ma'am. 

Mrs. Flighty. Desire him to come to me before twelve 
o'clock; to-morrow. 

Susan. Yes ma'am. 

Mrs. Flighty. Let me see ! — is there anything else ? 
Yes, call on Lady Manly — my love and compliments, hope 
she caught no cold last night. Ask after her little dog; 
say I am very anxious to know the result of the quarrel 
between the parties she mentioned to me yesterday — that 
should it be as /said, a certain person will be very awkward 
ly situated ; but if, on the contrary, she should be right, the 
consequence will be dreadful, particularly to the individual 
by whose infamous machinations the meeting was arranged 
— so much confusion has taken place, and so many dig* 
tressing circumstances have transpired. 

Susan. Yes ma'am. 

Mrs. Flighty. And you may also say ■> 



6 THE MARRIED RAKE. 

Susan. Yes ma'am. 

Mrs. Flightly. No, never mind, she will understand ; I 
don't remember anything more at present. You won't 
forget what I have told you ? 

Susan. No ma'am, you may 'pend on me, I won't make 
no mistake. (Rapidly counting her fingers*) First I'm to 
change the library — tell the miliner you must 'awe your 'af 
this hevening, before twelve o'clock to-morrow. Mr. 
Browm the shoe maker — then Lady Manly, love and com- 
pliments to her little dog, hope she didn't cotch no cold — 
let you know the insult of the quarrel betwixt them parties 
you told her on yesterday — If so be it are as you said, then 
it's aukud and contrary — -but if so be it are as she said, then 
it's all right, and the consequence will be dreadful, Hickular- 
ly to the hinder-'- it al by whose famous assassinations the 
meet'" d — and so much profusion and com- 

)S has perspired. There, ma'am, I've 
'ct/ — I arn't larnt the dicksnary for 
[Exit, c. d. R. 
ighty, (laughing.) Poor Susan!— I knew I should 
r ^zie her. How Lady Manly will laugh ! If she survives 
" my love and compliments to her little dog," she'll cer- 
tainly expire at the bewildering episode of "them hinde- 
widewals and famous assassinations!^ 

Mrs. Tricktrac, (without.) Never mind, Susan, you need 
not announce me ; I know your mistress is at home. 

Enter Mas. Trictrac, r. c. 
My dear friend, I'm so glad to see you ? Where's Flighty? 
Ah, as usual, I suppose, amusing himself abroad, while 
you are moping at home. Well, and how do you do ? — 
are you glad to see me? Shall I be troublesome if I stay 
an hour or two ? — can you endure my silly rattle ? 

Mrs. Flighty. My dear Sophie, you know you are al- 
ways a welcome visitor, and 1 am never so happy as when 
you are with me. I anticipate a delightful morning — 
Flighty has gone to Richmond, to dine with his uncle, so 
we shall have the whole day to ourselves. 

Mrs. lYicktrac. That husband of yours is a terrible 
racketty fellow. I must read him a lecture on matrimo- 



THE MARRIED RAKL. V 

nial conduct. Well, as you are rash enough to prefer my 
society to reading Paradise Lost, in melancholy solitude, 
I'll stay and plague you. And now — (Crossing to L. and 
seating herself on Sofa.) — let us sit down and cut up all 
our friends and acquaintances— By-the-bye, Eliza, I have 
something to tell you about your husband. 

Mrs. Flighty. My husband ! — (Lau ghing.) poor fellow; 
I hope you don't mean to cut him up— what has he been 
doing ? 

Mrs. Trictrac. My dear creature, he's a wretch ! 

Mrs. Flighty. (Laughing.) Indeed, in what way ? 

Mrs. Trictrac. In every way — he's a gay Lothario, a 
Blue Beard, a Don Juan, a Robert the Devil . 

Mrs. Flighty. You alarm me — what do you mean? 

Mrs. Trictrac. Does he often go Hi 1 and? 

Mrs. Flighty. Yes, two or three U 

Mrs. Trictrac. Indeed — does he evt 

Mrs. Flighty. No, his uncle is a bach 
bachelor's parties. 

Mrs. Trictrac. You silly creature — how easily you are 
imposed upon. An uncle who lives a few miles in the 
country is a very convenient person, sometimes. Now, 
what do you think ! — I have discovered 

Flighty t (without.) Here, Thomas, take my hat and cloak 
— tell the groom to put up the cab ; I shan't want it till 
night. 

Mrs. Flighty. There's Flighty — what can have brought 
him home so soon? 

Mrs. Trictrac. (Pointedly.) His uncle was not at home, 
I dare say, my dear. I'll tell you all by-and-bye. 

Enter Flighty, r. c. 

Flighty, (r.) My dearest Eliza, my uncle was from home, 
so I — (Seeing Mrs. Trictrac, and crossing to c.) Ah, Mrs. 
Trictrac, little did I anticipate this pleasure ! (Kissing her 
hand.) Eliza, my love — (Kissing her.) — don't laugh at me 
Mrs. Trictrack ; I have not been married long enough to 
give up these little follies. 

Mrs. Trictrac, (l.) Oh, don't mind me — I like to see 
married people make fools of themselves ; 'tis quite de- 



8 THE MARRIED RAKE. 

lightful to observe them " billing and cooing, like pretty 
turtle doves !' ( Aside.) Deceitful savage ! 

Flighty. Well, I'm so glad my uncle was not at home ; 
I shall pass the day in matrimonial felicity, instead of be- 
ing bored with the exploits of Tippoo Saib, and the storm- 
ing of Seringapatam ! 

Mrs. Trictrac. Then I'll say adieu — I'll not disturb your 
matrimonial felicity. Happy creatures ! how I envy you. 
What an example of a husband you are, Flighty — so kind, 
so affectionate, (crossing to c. and going up.) Good bye, 
friends, good bye — make my compliments to your uncle, 
Mr. Flighty. [Going. 

Mrs. Flighty, (r.) Nay, Sophie, do not leave us, I am 
sure you will be a charming addition to our party, — pray 
stay ; persuade her, Henry. 

Flighty. Now, positively you shall not leave us — we 
cannot part with you: we should both be miserable — nay, 
I'll hear no excuses ; you tnust, you shall stay. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Well, as you are so determined, I will re- 
main ; but you'll soon be tired of me ; I'll do all I can to 
plague you — I'll talk ycu to death. 

Flighly. I'm quite resigned. Kill me in any way you 
please, but, lest I should die of hunger in the mean time, 
suppose I order some luncheon. (Ringing hand-bell) John! 

Enter Servant, c. 
Bring luncheon. (Exit Servant.) Ton my life, I don't 
know when I have bacn so happy. Any news in the 
world, Mrs. Tricktrac? I know you are the "Gazette of 
Fashion" — any little affairs of the heart, elopements, or in- 
teresting domestic calamities? 

Mrs. Tricktrac. I am not aware of any ; but why do 
you ask me about such things ? you know I never feel 
any interest in them — besides, I dislike exposing the in- 
discretions and misfortunes of my fiiends. By-the-by, I 
did hear of a circumstance, yesterday, a decided case; 'tis 
very droll, you know the parties. I've a great mind to 
tell you if you'll let it go no further — 'twas told me in con- 
fidence, I would not have it known for the world, but if 
you'll promise 



THE MARRIED RAKE. * 

Flighty. Oh, certainly, certainly, we never talk — what 
is it, eh ? we won't mention a word. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Well, then, mind now— 'tis in strict con- 
fidence ! 

Flighty. Oh, certainly, strict confidence. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Tis about your friends, Sir Charles and 
Lady Simple. 

Flighty, {aside.) The devil ! — can she know ? I must 
change the conversation, or I shall get into a scrape. 
(Aloud.) Oh, I've heard all about that affair ; 'twas very 
ridiculous — (Laughing.) — I've laughed at it ever since. 
Who would have supposed — (Laughing.) — John, bring the 
luncheon ! — Yes, yes, I know all about it. 

Mrs. Trictrac. I dare say you do, but Eliza does not ; 
so I shall tell her the particulars. 

Flighty, (aside.) I'm in a nice hobble ! (aloud.) Oh, it's 
all nonsense — what does she care ? — (calling.) — John, bring 
the luncheon! 

Mrs. Trictrac. It's of no use trying to stop me. Flighty; 
I will have my own way — never mind him, Eiiza. Sir 
Charles Simple happening to stroll into his wife's dressing 
room, the other morning, when she was absent, carelessly 
sat himself down before the looking-glass, with the inten- 
tion, no doubt, of waiting her return ; well, finding one of 
his side curls dreadfully deranged, he opened a drawer of 
the dressing table to find a comb, with which he wished to 
have restored the truant hairs to a state of propriety, when 
he discovered what do you think ? 

Flighty, (aside.) I'm settled ! 

Mrs. Trictrac. A miniature portrait of a man with black 
hair, whiskers, and mustachios — you know the sort of man 
I mean, Flighty ? 

Flighty. Oh, yes, perfectly ! (aside.) I'm discovered — 
she knows all about it ! 

Mrs. Flighty. Well, and what was the consequence? 

Mrs. Trictrac. Sir Charles got into a terrible passion ; of 
course, he must have felt very uncomfortable, and thought 
of all kinds of unpleasant things. In the midst of his 
fary, her ladyship returned; a scene immediately ensued — 
he was violent, she cool ; he vowed vengeance, she laughed 



10 THE MARRIED RAKE. 

and called him a fool — said the miniature belonged to her 
sister, and that the formidable hero of the mustachios was 
her cousin. (Laughing) Wasn't that a capital idea, Flighty. 

Flighty. Capital .' (aside.) I'm alive again ! 

Mrs. Trictrac. Sir Charles, poor man, believed her, 
laughed at his ridiculous mistake, and wished to be intro- 
duced to the gentleman. Poor fellow ! 'twas as much the 
portrait of her cousin, as 'twas of you, Flighty. 

Flighty, (laughing.) Yes, yes, I dare say. (aside.) She'll 
roast me to death — I wish I hadn't asked her to stay. 

Enter John, with luncheon on a tray. 
Oh, here's the luncheon — a happy relief; I'll stop her mouth 
with a sandwich ! Mrs. Trictrac, be seated. (Handing her 
to the sofa.) Eliza, my love, take a chair. 
[They sit at table, l. Mrs. Trictrac, l. on the sofa — Mrs. 
Flighty, c. — Flighty, r. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Do you know any body at Richmond, be- 
sides your uncle, Mr. Flighty ! 

Flighty. Not a soul !— allow me to give you a wing of 
this chicken. 

Mrs. Flighty. Do you know, Henry, I should very much 
like to see your uncle. 

Flighty. So you shall my love — let me help you — (Mrs. 
Trictrac bursts+out into a loud laugh.) — What is the mat- 
ter, Mrs. Trictrac — why are you so merry ? 

Mrs. Trictrac. Why, at a little affair I heard of the other 
day ; speaking of your uncle, put me in mind of it. It 
occurred at Kensington Gardens; you know where they 
are situated, Flighty — on the road to Richmond. 

Flighty. Yes, yes, I know very well — allow me to give 
you a merry thought ! 

Mrs. Trictrac. Thank you, you often do. (Laughing.) 
Well I was about to tell you — 

Flighty. A glass of wine, my love ? — Mrs. Trictrac, 
you'll join us ? [Fills wine and drinks. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Well, to return to my story of Kensing- 
ton Gardens 

Flighty, (aside.) Confound her, she's determined to ruin 



THE MARRIED RAKE. 11 

Mrs. Trictrac. What are you about, Flighty ? — I declare 
you are eating out of the dish ! Well, about three o'clock 
yesterday afternoon, a lady dressed in a cloak, trimmed 
with ermine, was observed to saunter about one of the re- 
tired walks. She was joined by a gentleman in a green 
frock coat, straw colored waistcoat — (Flighty buttons up 
his coat) and white trowsers — be quiet, Flighty, don't play 
with your knife and fork like a baby — they (I mean the 
lady and gentleman) left the gardens, got into a coach, and 
drove off towards Richmond — take care what you are about 
Flighty; you'll upset the table — what is the matter with 
you ? one would think you were one of the parties in ques- 
tion, and were afraid of being found out 

Flighty, (rises, and goes down R. and walks about with 
the fowl on a fork. Laughing.) Ha ! ha ! ha ! I'm so 
amused with your story, I can't sit still, 'tis so very droll ! 
Damme, I've carried off the fowl ! (Puts it down on table. 
Aside.) I wish I could get rid of her. What say you to 
a walk, ladies? suppose we take a stroll before dinner? 

Mrs. Trictrac, (rising and going forward, l,) With all 
my heart — let us go to Kensington Gardens, perhaps we 
may see the lady in the ermine cloak, or the gentleman in 
the green frock coat, eh, Flighty ? 

Flighty. Yes, yes. 'twould be capital fun. (aside) I'm 
regularly cut up — I must put a sfop to her tongue, or she'il 
ruin me. Eliza, my love, put on your bonnet, we'll go out 
immediately. 

Mrs. Flighty. I won't be a minute — amuse Mrs. Tric- 
trac, till I return. 

[Exit into room, r. Mrs. Trictrac and Flighty 
look at each other for sometime — Mrs. Trictrac takes 
a chair, draws it after her to l. corner, — sits down and 
plays with her parasol. Flighty takes a chair to R. 
corner and plays with his umbrella. 
Flighty, (r. Aside.) Amuse her ! 1 have already — she 
has found me out. I must persuade her to be quiet. 

Mrs. Trictrac, (aside.) A wicked wretch — I'll tease his 
life out. 

Flighty, (aside.) It's of no use of mincing the matter — 
I'll come to the point at once. 



12 THE MARRIED RAKE. 

Mrs. Trictrac, (aside.) He's afraid of me ; I'll torment 
him ! 

Mighty. Mrs. Trictrac ! 

Mrs. Trictrac, (suddenly turning round.) Mr. Flighty ! 

Flighty, (aside.) She looks like a tiger cat ; I shall be 
damnably mauled. (Aloud.) Mrs. Trictrac 

Mrs. Trictrac. Sir ! 

Flighty, (aside.) There's a sir !— what a horrid mono- 
syllable. (Aloud.) I perceive madam 

Mrs. Trictrac. Wei!, sir? 

Flighty. Don't say sir, again — it makes me very un- 
happy, I perceive, madam, that you are aware of my error, 
and — and — -and- 

Mrs. Trictrac. And what, sir? 

Flighty, (crossing to her.) Don't tell my wife, there's a 
dear creature ! 

Mrs. Trictrac. You confess, then? I'm ashamed of you, 
sir — how could you behave so ? 'Tis my duty to tell your 
wife, you base man ! 

Flighty. Now don't — 'twouldn't do any good — 'twould 
only make bad worse. In future I'll be savagely virtuous, 
I will, indeed. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Well, then, provided you give me your 
promise never to neglect your wife, ur visit your uncle at 
Richmond, I will not expose you. 

Flighty. Oh, you dear, charming — (aside.) — damned 
tormenting — enchanting woman ! I'll become a perfect 
anchorite ! — I'll 

Mrs. Trictrac. Hush I here's your wife. 

Enter Mrs Flighty, r. 

Mrs. Flighty. Now, Henry, I'm quite ready — where 
shall we go ? 

Flighty. Wherever you please, my dear. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Suppose we take a turn in St. James's 
Park, and look at the ducks and swans — you are fond of 
wild ducks, I believe, Flighty ? 

Flighty. I used to be. (Aside.) Confound the satirical 
gipsy, I shall never have a moment's peace. Come, ladies, 
I'm at your service. 



THE MARRIED RAKE. 13 ' 

Enter John, r. c. 

John. A note, sir. 

Flighty. I can't attend to it now, I'm going out 
John. The servant said it required immediate attention, 
sir. [Exit John. 

Flighty. Pshaw ! how very annoying — some invitation 
to dinner, I suppose. Excuse me — (opening letter.) — Eh ! 
what is this? (Reading.) " Dear Flighty : — I am waiting 
for you at White's — I have had a scene at home ; want your 
advice. Come to me immediately. Yours, Charles Sim- 
ple." The devil ! — what's to be done ? I must go, or he'll 
find some other confidant, and that would not be so agree- 
able. Then that confounded Mrs. Trictrac will expose me 
if I leave her, — no matter, of the two evils, I'll choose the 
least- Mrs. Trictrac, Eliza, — I'm very sorry I cannot ac- 
company you to the park, this morning ; I am obliged to 
see my solicitor on most particular business. Pray, ex- 
cuse me, I'll return to dinner — very provoking, isn't it, to 
be called away so unexpectedly ? Good bye, Eliza, — au 
plaisar, Mrs. Trictrac — J'm so sorry to leave you! 
Mrs. Trictrac, (c.) You are afraid I shall expose you. 
Flighty, (aside to Mrs. Trictrac.) Remember your pro- 
mise — not a word about my uncle. (Going — Significantly.) 

Mrs. Trictrac [Exit, c.d. 

Mrs. Flighty, (l.) Now, Sophia, tell me what is the mean- 
ing of your mysterious hints — what have you discovered 
about my husband ? he seem'd very much annoyed and 
uneasy. 

- Mrs. Trictrac. You recollect my story about the minia- 
ture ? 

Mrs. Flighty. Yes. 

Mrs. Trictrdc. Your husband was the hero of the mus- 
tachios — 'twas his portrait ! 

Mrs. Flighty. Impossible ! — he cannot be so base ? 
Mrs. Trictrac. 'Tis true, nevertheless, but he is not so 
much to blame either. The affair is only in its infancy, 
and if you will assist me, I have a scheme to break off the 
attachment, and make e'en him a good and affectionate 
husband. 

B. 



14 THE MARRIED RAKE. 

Mrs. Flighty. I'll aid you to the utmost — I'll do any- 
thing 1 to sc cure his affection. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Then try to make him jealous. 

Mrs. Flighty. Will not that be dangerous ? 

Mrs. Trictrac. Not in the least — I will represent the 
lover, so there can be no danger. 

Enter Susan, c. d. 

Susan, (c.) I've made all the haste I could, ma'am ; I 
haven't forgot nothing. When I told Lady Manly what 
you said, she laughed so, I thought she would have had an 
asterical fit — she says it are as you said, and them parties 
you delude to, will pay dearly for their obstropulousness. 

Mrs. Trictrac, (r. laughing. Aside-) Obstropulousness ! 
— you have been studying the dictionary again, I find, 
Susan ! 

Susan. Yes, ma'am, I takes it in numbers, and expresses 
three pages in my 'ed hevery day ; it so reproves my physi- 
ognomy and renunciation. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Susan may assist my scheme — will you 
allow me to employ her ? 

Mrs. Flighty. Certainly. 

Mrs. Trictrac, (crossing to l. and hastily writing a note) 
Susan, will you have the kindness to take thislo my maid 
— she will give you a dress for me ; bring it into your 
mistress's bed room by the door in the passage. 

Susan. Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Make haste, and take care you are not 
seen by your master. 

Susan. Yes, ma'am — I'll be so individious, nobody 
shan't inspect me. [Exit c. d. r. 

Mrs. li iclrac. Now, let us retire into your room and con- 
cert our plan. I'll give Mr. Flighty a lesson he won't for. 
get in a hurry 
[Exeunt Mrs. Flighty and Mrs. Trictrac, into room,*, d 

Enter Flighty, r. c. 

Flighty. I wonder who could have sent me that note ? 
All a hoax — Sir Charles has left town for Dorsetshire. 
Some trick of my tormenter, Mrs. Trictrac, no doubt. I'll 
be even with her — what has become of her, I wonder ? 



THE MARRIED RAKE. 15 

Enter Mrs. Flighty. 

Mrs. Flighty. So, sir, you have returned sooner than I 
expected. Mrs. Trictrac would not wait, she has gone 
home. 

Flighty, (aside.) Glad of it — she looks rather grumpy; 
I'm afraid the murder's out. (Throwing himself on the 
Sofa, and taking up a book.) I'm sorry your friend has gone, 
we should have passed such a delightful day — never mind, 
we can make ourselves happy without her — (yawning.) — 
can't we, my love ? [Reading his book. 

Mrs. Flighty, (taking a chair to r. corner, and pulling a 
flower to pieces.) Certainly, my dear. 

Flighty, (after a pause.) You are a very amusing com- 
panion, Mrs. Flighty. [Looking at her. 

Mrs. Flighty. So are you, Mr. Flighty, 

Flighty. How long do you mean to twiddle that flower'' 

Mrs. Flighty. How long do you mean to read that book ? 

Flighty. As long as I please, madam ? 

Mrs. Flighty. Very well, I shan't interrupt you, sir ! — 
(after a pause — aside.) This is matrimonial felicity. 

Enter Susan, c. d. r. on tip-toe — She looks cautiously 
round — Flighty observes her, and peeps over his book — She 
gives Mrs. Flighty a letter which she hastily conceals. — 
Susan goes off as she entered, mysteriously endeavouring 
to avoid being seen by Flighty. 

Flighty, (aside.) Eh ! what the devil is the meaning of 
that ? — she gave her a letter ! 

Mrs. Flighty. Did you speak, Flighty ? 

Flighty. No, madam. 

Mrs. Flighty. I thought you did. Oh, dear me ! I de- 
clare my hair is quite out of order ! I must arrange it — I'll 
be back directly, Henry. [Exit, r. d. 

Flighty, (jumping up from sofa.) She has gone to read 
the letter — who can it be from ? — Dam'me I feel quite 
queer ! I — I must keep my eyes open ; I musn't go out so 
often. I — what can that letter be about ?— ~ she's coming 
back, I'll go into the next room, and observe her from be- 
hind the door. [Exit> c. d. l. 



16 THE MARRIED RAKE. 

Enter Mrs. Flighty, r. d. 

Mrs. Flighty, (aside.) He's on the watch, (aloud.) Ah ! 
Henry gone ? — so much the better. 

Flighty, (putting his head out from c. d.) You don't 
say so.' 

Mrs. Flighty. I can read his dear note again. 

Flighty. His dear note ! — 'tis from a man, then — I'm one 
of the club ! [Putting his hand to his head. 

Mrs. Flighty. How tender, how affectionate * 

Flighty. Yes, damn'd tender — eursed affectionate I 
dare say. 

Mrs. Flighty. How kind to send me his portrait ! 

Flighty. His portrait! — I'm pleasantly situated ! 

Mrs. Flighty. There can be no harm in kissing it. 

[Kissing a miniature. 

Flighty, (rushing forward.) Can't there, though ? — oh, 
you vile woman ! I have discovered your perfidy I 

Mrs. Flighty, (bursting into a laugh.) Where did you 
' come from, Henry? I thought you had gone out. (laugh- 
ing.) What's the matter, dear ? [Coaxing. 

Flighty, (astonished.) Matter ! matter, madam ! (Aside) 
She wants to brazen it out. (Aloud.) That letter, madam — 
that tender letter, madam ! that portrait, madam ! that — 
that — that — damnation, madam ! 

[Taking the Stage in a fury. 

Mrs. Flighty. Now don't make a fool of yourself, Henry, 
what is the use of getting in a passion, there's no harm in 
the letter, or the portrait, either. 

Flighty. No harm, madam ? do you take me for a fool ? 
whose likeness is it, madam ? who is the rascal, madam — 
who is he ? 

Mrs. Flighty. How can you be so ridiculous, Henry, to 
storm about nothing? 'tis only the likeness of my cousin! 

Flighty, Your cousin ! (aside.) The old story ! No, no, 
madam, that won't do for me. Cousins are very convenient 
persons, madam— 

Mrs. Flighty. So are uncles, sir. 

Flighty. Yes, madam — but I'll be hanged if I'll be 
cousincd by any body. I know better, madam. I'm too 
old a soldier to be deceived by a cousin. Who is he madam 
— who is he ? 



THE MARRIED RAKE. IT 

Mrs. Flighty. My cousin, sir, as I told you before. If 
you don't believe me I can't help it. I declare your be- 
havior is so outrageous, that I'm afraid of you. One would 
think by your conduct that you were jealous. 

Flighty. So I am, madam. 

Mrs. Flighty. What of a boy ? — my poor little cousin ! 
I'm ashamed of you ! I might as well be jealous of your 
uncle ! You've used me very ill! I wont bear it! I — I— 
(Sobbing.) I'll go to my mama ! 

[Exit into R. room, and drops the note. 

Flighty, (astonished.) Well, that's the coolest thing I 
ever heard ! Because I don't I don't like her to love other 
people, she says she's ill used, and will go home to her 
mama ! What a victim I am ! Nobody ever felt as I do 
— nobody ever deserved such treatment! I'm sure I don't. 
I never — damme, the least I say on that subject the better. 
Little did I think when /passed for a cousin, that 1 should 
ever have a wife who had one. I'll be divorced — 111 go 
abroad — I'll — (sees note.) She has dropped the note, (picks 
it up.) Pink paper — the fellow's in earnest, I see. (reading.) 
"Dearest Eliza." Curse his impudence ! " I will be under 
the window at three o'clock. Three o'clock ! (pulling out 
his watch.) — it wants but a few, minutes. "If you arc 
alone, strike a few notes on the guitar. Yonr's ever, Fitz- 
herbert Fitzhenry. P. S. — Your fool of a husband." — 
Eh? fool of a husband! I'll cut his throa^i — "is safe at 
Richmond, I suppose." So, so — he'll be under the window 
at three o'clock. He thinks I'm safe at Richmond, eh ? 
I'll murder him ! Let me see —a few notes on the guitar is 
to be the signal. I'll have him up, and blow his brains 
out ! Where is the damned, diabolical, cousining instru- 
ment? — here it is. (taking up Guitar.) Oh, you Confounded 
caterwauler ! you don't know what you've to answer for. 
Here's a situation for a husband ! playing the guitar to his 
wife's cousin ! (plays the guitar vnth furious gesture?.'; 
There — I think he'il hear. ,that ! Now, for my pistols — I'll 
settle his business at once*! [Exit c. o. L. 

Mrs. Trictrac enters from r. d., disguised' as an ofjicer, 
followed by Mrs. Flighty. 

Mrs. Trictrac, (laughing.) Poor Flighty! he doesn't 



18 THE MARRIED RAKE. 

seem to relish his first dose —a few more will complete 
his cure. I don't think he'll recognise me. My brother's 
dress fits me admirably — in fact, I think I'm the beau 
ideal of a cavalry officer — at all events, I'm a ladies man, 
which every fellow in the service is, and ought to be. But 
hark! I hear Flighty returning. Now for the attack. 
(Kneeling.) Dearest Eliza ! I love you better than 

Enter Flighty, hastily, from c. d., with a case of pistols in 
his hand. 

Flighty. Death and the devil ! There he is ! I'm just 
in time, (advancing between them.) So, sir — so madam 

Mrs. Flighty, (pretending alarm) Oh, good gracious, my 
husband ! 

Mrs. Trictrac. Your husband! Flighty, my dear fel- 
low, how are you ? 

Flighty, (aside.) Curse his impudence,! Sir — madam — 
allow me to observe that I — you — she — he — my — crnduct 
is scandalous — shameful — damnable ! I'm not a man — I — 

Mrs. Trictrac. What? 

Flighty, I'm not a man, I say — to be insulted with 
impunity. I'm a fool — an ass — an idiot— 

Mrs. Flighty. I know you are. 

Flighty. Don't interrupt me, sir. I Kay I'm a fool not 
to have suspected — you deceitful woman — you damned 
puppy ! Don't laugh, or I'll throw you out of the window ! 
Leave the room, madam. (Exit, Mrs. Flighty, r. d.) I 
insist on immediate satisfaction. Here's a case of pistols. 
(trying to open it.) I'll shoot you, sir— I'll blow you to 
atoms ! 

Mrs. Trictrac. Fire away, my boy — I'm not afraid of 
you or your pistol case, Why don't you produce your 
weapons, if you intend to blow me to atoms ? Do it at 
once — I'm' quite ready. Don't keep me waiting; you've 
no idea how valuable my time is. 

Flighty. Confound it, I've lost my keys ! I can't open 
the case. 

Mrs. Trictrac. How unfortunate ! I should have like to 
have had a pop at you. I had made up my mind to have 
had a pop at you. I had made up my mind to a little 



THE MARRIED RAKE. 19 

sport. (Leaning on Flighty's shoulder — he throws him off.) 
I would have betted five to four I would have drilled a hole 
through you — smashed that bust at your back, and 
shivered the looking-glass all at the same moment. 

Flighty. Would you, indeed? (aside.) He's a regular 
fire-eater — I shall be peppered — no matter? (aside.) Leave 
my house, sir— you shall hear from me— leave my house ! 

Mrs. Trictrac, (crossing to R.) Certainly, my dear boy, 
if you -wish it. Always happy to hear from you. 'Twould 
save a deal of trouble, though, if you could find your keys. 
Give me th; case — (trying to take it from him.) I'll break 
it open sooner than loose my shot. 

Flighty, (resisting.) No, sir— you shall meet me to-mor- 
row morning. 

Mrs. Tricktrac. Oh, very well — as you please. I'd 
rather have settled the thing at once. If we had come up 
to the scratch here, I'd have brought your head, the bust 
and the glass into one— put in the lead about here — (Hit- 
ting him on the ribs.) — and drilled you in a most superior 
style. 

Flighty. You are very kind. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Not at all, my dear boy. I'm famous 
for bringing down my man ! I'm told I've a good eye for 
it — never made up my mind to hit a fellow, but I made 
sure of him. I'm very fond of killing. 

Flighty, (aside.) What a butcher ! 

Mrs. Trictrac. I shall be sure to settle you, Flighty — 
you're a capital object. (Laughing.) What.'* the matter — 
you don't seem comfortable. (Laughing.) Oh, I remember 
— you are jealous; you don't like tny making love to your 
wife. (Laughing,) I can't help laughing to think how 
capitally she deceived you — you, above all men, who have 
made so many husbands unhappy. (Laughing.) You 
look quite deranged — quite Othello-ish. Your nose is turn- 
ing quite blue, and your eyes have such a thunder and 
lightning expression. (Laughing.) I dare say your friend. 
Sir Charles Simple, looked just as you do, when he dis- 
covered your picture in his wife's dressing-room. 

[Laughing. 

Flighty. This is beyond bearing. Sir, I— leave my 
house, sir I 



20 THE MARRIED RAKE. 

Mrs. Trictrac. You and Sir Charles would match well 
in a curricle, Flighty! [Laughing. 

Flighty. Leave my house, sir ! Don't make me forget 
you arcunder my roof 1 Begone, sir, begone ! 

Mrs. Trictrac. Certainly, my dear boy, certainly. As 
we do not meet until to-morrow morning, I shall have 
plenty of time to amuse my friends with the particulars of 
our little affair, and send a notice of it to the newspaper, 
as an interesting and laughable occurrence in high life, 
called" The Jealous Husband; or, the Deceiver Deceived!" 
(Laughing.) Good bye, old fellow. You mustn't mind 
being laughed at — your case is not singular. The next 
lime you take a fancy to a friend's wife, be certain nobody 
returns the compliment by taking a fancy to your's. 
Adieu ! I shall never forget the expression of your face ! 
(Laughing ) What a fool you looked, when you couldn't 
open the pistol-case ! [Exitc. d. r., laughing 

Flighty. I shall go mad! (Walks up and down in a 
great rage icitli his Hinds in his Pockets, then takes a 
Chair kicks it away, §c.) I'm settled. What a fool I've 

been ! If I had for a moment supposed I'm in a 

dreadful situation ! I shall be the laughing-stock of all 
my friends. I, who have been the terror of* husbands, to 
be so regularly duped! I'll be revenged at all events. I'll 
hoot the rascal — if I can — then I'll 

Susan enters c. d. cautiously, and endeavours to steal in 
to R. e. Room — Flighty observes, and brings her forward 

Susan. (Screaming.) Oh, sir, how you frightened me ! 
Don't look so hateful ! I'm a hinnocent girl. I can't 
help your misfortunes. I never did nothing wrong in all 
my life ! 

Flighty. Come, come Mrs. Innocence, you can't deceive 
me. I know that you are that young rascal's agent— I saw 
you give your mistress a letter from him. I'm not blind — 
I'm awake to all your manoeuvres. You are the letter-car- 
rier, the message-bearer, the sentinel, the spy, the conveni- 
ent go-between— you modest, innccent, deceitlul, deluding, 
diabolical maid servant ! 

Susan. I deny the dispersion. I'm not a postman-— I 



THE MARRIED RAKE. 21 

never deluded nobody — I aynt convenient — I never went 
between nothing — I aynt dialogical — you know I aynt. 
I'm your wife's own woman, and I aynt a maid servant. 

Flighty. Now tell me this moment all you know about 
your mistress and that young officer, or I'll murder you ! 

[Shaking her. 

Susan. Oh, don't — don't shake me so — I aynt fond of 
percussions. I'll do anything, if you'll be quiet and keep 
your hands off. (Flighty relepses her.) Oh, dear! I 
never was so conglomerated in my life. What a flustration 
you've put me in, surely. I declare I don't know whether 
I'm standing on my head or my feet — I'm quite wisey 
wersey 

Flighty. Now, answer — who is that officer? 

[Pointing to c. d. with furious action. 

Susan. What hossiferl I don't see nobody. 

Flighty. No prevarication ! The young puppy your 
mistress is so fond of 

Susan. She aynt fond of no young puppy that I knows 
on, except it are the little poodle she had give her last 
week. 

Flighty. Curse the poodle ! (Aside.) She's an old hand, 
and wants a bribe. (Giving Money.) There — now try if 
you can give a direct answer. 

Susan. Yes, sir — thank you, sir. 

Flighty. Who is he ? 

Susan. A hossifer. 

Flighty. I know — but what is he ? 

Susan. A handsome, beautysome young man. 

Flighty. Pshaw ! you won't understand. What's his 
name? 

Susan. Hornet Fitz something — but I don't know what. 

Flighty. What regiment does he belong to? 

Susan. The horse-something. I don't Hiclarly remem- 
ber, but I think it's Blue Dragons, or the Horse Marine 
Distillery. 

Flighty. (Aside.) Confound her stupidity! Does he 
often come here ? 

Susan. Yes, sir, very often— whenever you go to Rich- 
mond. 



22 THE MARRIED RAKE. 

Flighty Indeed ! What a cursed idiot I have been ! 

Susan. You have indeed, sir. 

Flighty. Do you think so ? 

Susan. Yes, sir, certain — positive. While you were 
with your uncle, the Hornet was always here with missis. 
I had a great mind to send you a synonymous 'letter about 
it, but I was afeard. 

Flighty. Now, let us understand each other. If you'll 
watch your mistress, and give me notice of all her pro- 
ceedings, I will reward you ; but if I find you attempting 
to [deceive me, I'll turn you out of doors. Now, which 
will you do— serve me or your mistress ? 

Susan. You, sir, if you please. 

Flighty. Very well. Now go and see what she is about. 

Susan. Yes, sir ; but don't put yourself in a quandary, 
It can't be helped. We all has our little weaknesses. 
Yours is Lady Simple — mississes is lionet Fitzturbot — 
and mine is Tom Smith the baker ! [Exit into room, b. 

Flighty. Deceitful woman ! Why did I marry ? I ought 
to have known better, after all my experience, to run so 
great a risk. How my friends will laugh. I can never 
show my face in the world again ! I shall be caricatured 
in the print shops — pointed at in the streets — and ridiculed 
by all my acquaintances. If I don't get drilled to-mor- 
row, I'll go to America — nobody shall ever hear of me 
again. 

Enter John, c. d. r. 

Well, sir — what do you want ? 

John. A lady, sir, wishes to see you. 

Flighty. What lady ? 

John. I don't know, sir — she would not give me her 
name. She told me to say she came from your uncle at 
Richmond 

Flighty, (aside.) The devil ! 'tis Lady Simple ! What 
on earth can have induced her to come here ! (Aloud.) Say 
I'm not home. 

John. It's of no use, sir — she's on the stairs coming up 

Flighty. Confound your stupidity ! Leave the room, 
sir. (Exit John.) How cursed unlucky ! What shall I do 
with her. 



THE MARRIED RAKE. 23 

Enter Susan, r. c. disguised as Lady[Simple — she throws 

herself into Flighty's arms. 
My. dear Lady Simple, what is the matter ? why are you 
here ? Speak — pray speak. (Susan sobs violently.) Damn 
it, she's going to faint ! What the devil shall I do ? Here 
— here, sit down. (Gives a chair, l.) If my wife should 
see me ! (Kneeling, and slapping Susan's hand.) Fanny ! 
Fanny ! my dear Fanny, you'll ruin me ! pray be com- 
posed. (Susan kicks and screams.) Fanny ! Fanny ! my 
dear Fanny ! 

Enter Mrs. Flighty, from r. room. 

Mrs. Flighty. What do I see ? A woman fainting, and 
my husband calling her his dear Fannv ! What are you 
about, sir ? — (Flighty turns, and jumps up in confusion.) 
Who is that lady 1 

Flighty. I don't know, my cousin, madam. — (To 

Susan.) Fanny — Fanny, here's my wife ; don't faint any 
more — come to yourself. (Susan kicks and screatns.) Damn 
it, she's worse than ever ! It's all up with me ! 

Mrs. Flighty. I'm ashamed of you, sir. This is one of 
your vile intrigues ! Oh, you monster ! to deceive your 
affectionate wife — to pretend so much love for me, and 
then to have a dear Fanny ! It's shocking — it's dreadful ! 

I can't bear it — I shall faint — I — oh— oh 

Faints on a chair, r. 

Flighty. A fainting duett ! What will become of me 1 
Nothing can stand against this ! Eliza — Eliza ! Fanny 
— Fanny ! — (Turning from one to the other.) — don't make 
damned fools of yourselves. (Both scream and kick.) I'm 
very sorry — I'll never do so again. I'll do anything you 
please. Damme, if I know what to do ! [Crosses to r. 
Enter Mas. Trictrac, r. c. in her own dress — she goes 
down c. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Ah ! good heavens ! my dear friend faint" 
ing ! Lady Simple, too ! Oh, you barbarian — you vile 
wretch — you terrible Turk ! The shock is too much for 
me— my head turns round ! Oh, dear, I'm going I I — oh 
— oh — oh [Faints on a chair, c. 

Flighty. Damme, there's a trio ! I must faint myself, 



24 THE MARRIED RAKE. 

and make up a quartette. Ladies — {Going from one to the 
other.) — my dear Eliza 

Mrs. Flighty, (screaming.) Oh ! 

Flighty. Mrs Trictrac- 

Mrs. Trictrac, (screaming.) Oh ! 

Flighty. Fanny ! 

Susan, (screaming.) Oh ! 

Flighty, (taking up the last scream — in a great rage.) 
Oh ! pray, be cairn. I cannot endure all this kicking and 
screaming ! (all scream together.) If all three of you don't 
come too directly, I'll leave you to fight it out by your- 
selves. Now Eliza 

Mrs. Flighty, ( pushing him away.) You wretch ! 

Flighty. Mrs. Trictrac 

Mrs. Trictrac. Don't touch me, sir. 

Flighty. Fanny (Susan rises, bursts into a loud cry. 

and throws her arms around his neck.) Oh, the devil ! 
worse and worse ! 

Mrs. Flighty, (jumping up.) Shocking depravity! be- 
fore my very lace ! Come away, from her, sir ! 

[Pulling him — Susan pulls the other way. 

Mrs. Trictrac, (jumping up.) I'll help you, Eliza. Let 
go, sir— 

[All three drag him from one side to the other, and up 
downthe Stage — Mrs. Trictrac behind him. 

Flighty. I shall be murdered ! I'm ashamed to call for 
help. Let me go, ladies — pray, release me ! Give me fair 
play, and don't all set upon me at once. (They all beat him 
round the stage.) One at a time, pray. (Breaks away, 
jumps on the sofa, and holds up one of the pillows in a threat- 
ening attitude.) What an escape ! I demand a parley — I'm 
ready to accede to any terms, if you'll keep the peace. 

Mrs. Trictrac, (h. c.) Will you promise never to go to 
Richmond again? 

Flighty. Yes. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Never to neglect your wife? 

Flighty. Yes. 

Mrs. Trictrac. To become a steady husband ? 

Flighty. Yes. 

Mrs. Trictrac. In short— you'll stay at home, love your 
wife, forsake dissipation, and do whatever I please. 



THE MARRIED RAKE. 25 

Flighty. Yes. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Very well. Then, Eliza, I think we 
must forgive him. What do you say ? 

Mrs. Flighty. I have no objection. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Give him your hand, then. (Mrs. 
Flighty crosses to c.) But I had forgot Lady Simple — per- 
haps she won't consent to part with her dear Henry ? 

Susan, (r.) I aynt got no objection as I knows on. 

Flighty, (l. astonished.) Knows on ! who's that with a 
nose en ? Not Lady Simple, I'm certain. 

Susan, (throwing up her veil.) No, sir, it be I — Susan 
Twist. I hope no offence. I arnt done no wrong. I'm 
only a happ'irition. 

Flighty. So, so — I've been nicely tricked and made a 
fool of. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Most decidedly, my dear boy. If you 
are refractory, "I'll bring your head, the bust, and the 
looking-glass into one, put in the lead about here — {hitting 
him.) — and drill you in a most superior style." 

Flighty, (astonished.) What, were you ihe officer? — 
What an ass I have made of myself. 

Susan. You have indeed sir — quite a lustrious one. 

Flighty. Forgive me, Eliza. I'll profit by the lesson I 
have received* to-day, and never do anything to disturb 
our matrimonial felicity. 

Mrs. Trictrac. Wisely resolved— and now, i" must ask 
pardon for my transgressions. 

[Advancing to the audience. 

Of you, kind friends, who round me sit, 
In Boxes, Gallery, and Pit — 
Your plaudits and your smiles to gain, 
I hope I have not tried in vain. 
If you'll forgive, and kindly take, 
A lesson from " The Married Rake." 
Again I'll " don " my martial gear, 
Nor fear to meet a welcome here. 

DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS AT THE FALL OF 
THE CURTAIN. 

Li C* R. 

Susan. Mrs. Trictrac. Mrs. Flighty. Mr. Flighty-- 



:. 



■3m?^ 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




I 




I 014 529 418 6 • | 



» 

: 



WS> " 






